When Weighing In Brings You Down
By Rallie McAllister
Of all the appliances in my home, I have special feelings of contempt
for my bathroom scale. It has caused me more anguish than my vacuum cleaner,
electric can opener, and toaster combined. I'm pretty sure that most Americans
feel the same way. At one time or another, we've all been disappointed,
surprised, or even horrified by the numbers offered up to us by our scales.
Most of us are entirely too concerned about the numbers displayed by
our scales, and we spend way too much time and energy trying to lower
them the old fashioned way. If you've been under the misconception that
you have to exercise to the point of collapse or subsist on starvation
rations to achieve a favorable reading, here's some good news.
You can achieve the weight of your dreams without so much as breaking
a sweat. You just have to develop a strategy to ensure that the number
displayed by your scale represents your desired weight, regardless of
how much it deviates from your true weight.
Here are a few pointers:
Before you even approach your scale, be sure to rid yourself of any excess
baggage. Trim your nails, shave unwanted body hair, exfoliate your face,
and empty your bladder. Remove all clothing, personal accessories, and
appliances, including jewelry, hair bows, hearing aids, and dentures.
If you wear glasses, it's probably in your best interest to remove them
as well--you're much better off not seeing the numbers anyway.
Don't weigh while you're wet, because water is deceptively heavy. If you
have recently bathed, allow every droplet of moisture to evaporate completely
from your body.
As you step onto the scale, exhale fully, emptying your lungs completely
of unnecessary air molecules. While you're at it, think lightweight thoughts.
It is most helpful to imagine yourself a dainty butterfly lighting gracefully
on a delicate flower petal.
Find the point of minimal gravitational pull in your bathroom. This is
best accomplished by scooting your scale inch by inch across the bathroom
floor with your foot, weighing yourself at every point until you find
the spot that gives you the absolute lowest reading. Scale scooting is
hard on your floor covering, but it's actually good for your body. When
performed properly, it tones and strengthens the muscles of your toes
and inner thighs.
Lean on something. Supporting yourself on a countertop or towel rack is
a smart precautionary measure to take while weighing. Not only does it
prevent personal injury in the event that an unflattering reading causes
you to pass out, but it is also a time-honored method of lowering your
scale's readout by a good 10 to 15 pounds.
Work with your scale to determine your ideal weighing stance. Some scales
offer a more favorable reading if you stand on one foot, while others
work better if you stand on your tiptoes. If you're coordinated, you can
try jumping up and down on your scale to produce a wide range of numerical
readings from which to choose.
Learn to make adjustments to your scale. Sometimes, tampering with your
scale becomes absolutely necessary. By setting it back five or ten pounds,
you'll get a reading that more accurately reflects your true desired weight.
Unless you are a serious athlete or a serious masochist, don't ever make
the mistake of weighing yourself on one of those machines that simultaneously
measures your weight and your body fat. People who use these technologic
torture devices usually require years of professional counseling to recover
from the emotional trauma they inflict.
If you're serious about weighing less, pack up your scale and take it
to a tall building. Standing on your scale in an elevator going down will
net you a good two to three pound weight loss. Better yet, pack up your
scale and take it to Denver--you'll be even lighter at a higher altitude.
Weigh yourself in kilograms. The United States government is long overdue
on its plan to convert to the metric system, and its inconsiderate delay
is causing needless suffering among countless innocent Americans. If you
remember that one kilogram is equal to 2.2 pounds, you'll feel much better
knowing that your true metric weight is less than half your weight in
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